Post Partum and How I'm Still Dealing With It
Pregnancy was so fun, there was so much support and love. Labor was exciting. I had my little best friend in my arms. Nothing could possibly go wrong. I have an iron deficiency pretty bad, so right after I had my daughter and lost all the blood, I could barely stand up without getting out of breath. I remember being so confident after I gave birth and I was finally able to feel one of my legs again, so I told my nurse that I needed to go to the bathroom. She came to help me but I declined. I tried to stand up and my legs were still noodles. I got assisted to the bathroom but by the time I got there, I had already peed on the floor. I would say I was embarrassed, but the nurse reassured me that it happens all the time.
I started feeling better and ready to go home by the third morning. I woke up, and hobbled around the recovery room cleaning up and folding my clothes. I was so ready to start our new life at home. I could still barely walk without getting out of bed, but if I could do it around this room I should be fine at home right?
The first night at home was one of the hardest days of my life. The baby wouldn't stop crying, I needed a shower, I couldn't stop the bleeding, I needed to figure out how I was going to feed her when my milk still hadn't come in all the way. I tried and tried to breastfeed and she wouldn't take it. I didn't have the energy to put all of our things away so bags full of baby things and clothes sat in our living room. I took a shower and as soon as I got in I was uncontrollably crying. I just felt all the stress, the hormone crashes, the pain, it was there. We took shifts napping and when it was my turn it was about 2am. Baby still crying, hanging out with her dad, I slept for thirty minutes. I woke up in a panic and nearly tore a muscle trying to find my baby. I had a very vivid dream of her freezing to death. When I found her and her dad, he was showing her all of her things in her room.
I called my doctor the next day, and she had told me it was completely normal due to hormone crashes and my brain kicking into "mom mode". Nobody warned me about any of this. I tried sleeping again, and couldn't. The next morning my milk had come in full force. She just wouldn't take it from my body. I remembered that I had a breast milk pump, so I started pumping milk. I was so proud of my .5 ounces and fed it to her out of a bottle. Not too long afterwards, I was able to pump 12 ounces every morning and about 5 ounces every 3 hours.
I was sure I could feed her like this until she was a year old. Four months had passed and I got my first menstrual cycle since before I was pregnant. It was pretty normal, until I realized I wasn't able to make much milk which is very stressful. Stress also reduces milk production. I was still able to feed her even if it meant taking some of my freezer stash out. My doctor suggested birth control, which I haven't been on since I was seventeen. I kind of shrugged it off, but she insisted. So I got the IUD. It depleted my milk supply. I was heartbroken, and being judged by some family and pediatricians for considering feeding her formula. I knew for my own mental health that I needed to. It would cost more money, but it would allow me to spend more time playing with her instead of pumping breast milk.
I was afraid to go to family functions and pull out a can of formula, but nobody said anything. I felt like a bad mom. I felt incapable, but looking back, I'm so glad I did. I don't know how I would be able to hold a job, run my small business, keep up with friends and family and have time for my relationship with Isaac if every three hours I had to pump for at least forty five minutes. It was a lot and I mean a lot of work.
Post partum depression never really hit me. I felt the ups and downs but I never had a long period of feeling depressed. What really did change, was my anxiety. I never had bad anxiety until now, and it's something I fight with every day. I refuse to get treated. I get anxious about taking pills because they change the way your brain works. I know, it's irrational. I suffer from severe hypochondria as well. I am always checking my lips to see if they are blue, always checking my pulse and the second I cough, I am worried. I will get a little anxiety out of nowhere, which makes me feel sick and a little short of breath, and then I think that there is something really wrong with me which causes more anxiety and that leads to more intense symptoms.
These are things that I deal with every day, and I know that a lot of people struggle with anxiety and hypochondriasis. It really is a vicious cycle. I trick my own body into feeling symptoms of a heart attack just because I feel a little bit of chest pressure. If anyone is struggling with anxiety I highly recommend finding a therapist! I have searched for organized groups for hypochondria and there aren't a lot of resources surprisingly, but having someone professionally help makes a huge difference.
I was going to talk about how I struggled with body image and the physical parts of post partum, but I covered most of those topics in my last post, so if you haven't yet, go check it out!
Thank you for the support and love, it makes a huge difference.
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