How My Body Image Affected Me

Body Image

Me, 17 weeks pregnant 

    I never really thought too hard about what my body looked like, I thought as long as I was eating remotely healthy and I felt good it didn't really matter. I weighed 120 pounds consistently and never dieted or worked out a whole lot. I was never insecure about anything until I got pregnant. 

I knew that my tummy would grow and get bigger, but I didn't really think about all of the other changes. One day I woke up to stretch marks on my stomach, thighs and breasts. I was automatically disappointed. I just assumed that I wouldn't have to deal with those things because after all, I was only nineteen. My breasts had completely changed color, my face was more filled out, I was gaining weight like I never had before. I knew that pregnancy was a woman's glow, it was the liveliest and most beautiful a woman can be. But I still wanted that smaller figure back.

    I didn't hold back when I was pregnant. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and however much I wanted. I figured that it was only nine months and I should reward my body for what it's doing. I wouldn't say that I overate and ate all unhealthy things, I just didn't go out of my way to eat healthy. If I wanted a burger at 2 a.m. that's what I was getting. At the end, I weighed 165 pounds. That was huge for me. Although my butt grew a lot, and I wasn't mad about that, I wanted my smaller thighs back, I wanted my skinnier arms back. I still looked pregnant right after I had my baby. The light was gone, and I just felt like an empty noodle. Weak and hollow. 

    I started taking care of myself physically after about six weeks of healing. I got back into yoga, I went on walks with my daughter, and I ate more consciously. I also had a ton of issues with insecurity for a long time. I thought, why would my fiancé want to be with me, I have a loose mommy pooch and cellulite on my butt. I have post partum skin, and my hair is falling out. I have stretch marks on my thighs and my breasts are a lot more affected by gravity. I was embarrassed. He always assured me that I was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen, but I knew that I wasn't the most beautiful I had ever been. I wanted to skip meals and just lose it all at once, I wanted to workout for hours and just hope that it would go away. 

Six months post partum

    I spent a lot of time going to the gym, and practicing yoga, and I finally feel stronger and much more confident. I didn't realize how much body image affected me until I didn't fit my own standards anymore. I felt awful about myself. It would send me into tears every day when I had to pick out what I wanted to wear. I felt best in sweatpants but I also wanted to look cute and wear jeans. None of them fit me anymore. More tears.

     After 10 months of learning how to treat my body right and love it at the same time, no matter how it looks or what a scale says, I feel good. I want to be stronger than I am right now, but I also am very happy with how far I have come. Regardless of whether you have had a baby or not, your body image is important. I know a lot of women that have a hard time with being confident in their own skin and sometimes I do too. When you feel good, you look good. I have learned to appreciate my body and all of it's weird functions within the last year. I hope that you can relate to this, and I hope that it helps to know that you aren't the only one who struggles with it.